Thou shalt stick your head out the window

Sunday, 8 August 2010 -  When asked my religion, I am quick to say that I do believe in Dog.  There is so much we can learn from Dog, and many spammails (smails?) have touted the importance of learning from Dog.  These are life's commandments as written by Dog:

1. Thou shalt live life in the moment
2. Thou shalt always show your appreciation
3. Thou shalt be enthusiastic, even when the ride ends
4. Thou shalt be there to lend a paw
5. Thou shalt enjoy each meal with vigour, even when it's the same as yesterday
6. Thou shalt snooze like you mean it
7. Thou shalt chase the things that make you happy
8. Thou shalt make every attempt to keep your mate's feet warm
9. Thou shalt always be loyal and true
10. Above all, thou shalt wag more, bark less

If we could live by these rules, life would be no less complicated but would be more liveable. Some of us live more in one or two of these commandments than others.  It is no different for Dog Disciples (a.k.9 pet dogs). Assistance Dogs live more in Commandment #4, #9 and a little of #8.  Assistance dogs are the holy grail of Dog.

Imagine a fuzzy face that not only gets your slippers and brings you the newspaper (that is so last century), but brings you medication, picks up quarters, supports your weight when you fall, pulls your wheelchair, opens doors and carries the grocery bag, steers you around obstacles and tells you when you are approaching stairs, or lets you know the baby is crying or someone is calling your name.  This is not only a Dog send for people with disabilities, vision impairments or are deaf, but the difference between normalcy and dependence.  Today is it Assistance Dog Day.  It isn't quite Easter, but it is something we should all appreciate. It is also a day to celebrate and praise the families that open their homes to raising a puppy that they will one day give away for a better cause, to the trainers who make certain these dogs are ready for their important role, and to the Assistance Dog users who have found a way to independence that relies on the love of a canine friend to help open doors. 

Today is also Odie Day... a special day marking the birth of Garfield's pal Odie.  Sundays are meant for pancakes and comics, and Odie knew that well - just ask Garfield and Jon.  Living by Commandments #2, 3, 5, 7 and 9, Odie knows that a laugh, a good meal and a wag is all you need... Sundays and any other day.  Happiness is all in the wag.  Ultimately, your wag is in your head. Happiness happens. Happiness exists because you want it, because you live in the moment, because you show your enthusiasm and appreciation, because you chase that golden ball. Today may be Happiness Happens Day, but happiness should happen everyday. Just roll down the windows and enjoy the ride.

Speaking of which...

Saturday, 7 August 2010 - Do you ever leave the house and for just a moment fear you've left your cell phone behind? But before you go back in to the house, you pat yourself down, checking pockets - front and back, and in my case, check both sides of your bra?  This little cellular pat down... or the 'phone grope' seems a pretty common event in my world.  I must grope myself half a dozen times a day.  Like one of those OCD'ers who turn the lights on and off 11 times before leaving the house, and re-locking the deadbolt 8 times times to ensure it's locked,  I'm getting a little obsessive about checking for my phone.  My current phone isn't working all that well, and yet there I am, going for the phone grope in hopes that I haven't forgotten my life line.

I don't have a land line, and I don't carry around a day timer, a note pad, laptop or iPad.  My phone contains my life. I cross the border, and verify that it picked up the new carrier as soon as I've traversed the 49th. My phone allows me to play scrabble with NYC, gives me music whenever I need a beat,  acts as a GPS when I'm lost,  and fills in as understudy to the Kindle when I leave my Booklike Thingy at home. I have maybe become far too attached to this tiny piece of technology, but everyone has a vice. I have a few, but no other vice has be groping myself so frequent or so openly. Sure you get the occasional stare, but as soon as you pull out your phone, those watching all nod in full understanding, and then look down in shame as they realize they too probably get caught doing the phone grope.

In front of an audience, it is important to take your phone out, put it on silent, start the stopwatch, and leave it on the podium in front of you.  When public speaking, it is not the time to go searching for your phone with a little personal patting.  There are better things, more professional things, you can be doing with your hands. (Make gestures for emphasis, point at illustrations on your presentation, write on the board... what did you think I meant?).  For all you public speakers out there, Happy Professional Speakers Day. Without you, we would not have any need to attend conferences and would have to go to other cities for fun and frolic. Without professional speakers, we wouldn't need laser pointers... and what cat owner doesn't need a laser pointer?  Without professional speakers, there would be no politics... and therefore no comedy... other than Charlie Sheen.  For this, dear speaker we thank you.

Putting your foot in it

Friday, 06 August 2010 - Take a road trip. What else have you got to do on a Friday morning?  But if you are going to get in the car and hit the highway I would recommend sleep.  On the other hand, a middle of the night escape means you can shave nearly an hour of the excursion.  But there is nothing that can describe road trip breath... its a combination of coffee, coke, chocolate, and french fries.  It's like a gritty lint from an old couch on the roof of your mouth and grease at the back of your throat.  Trust me when I say this is not a great way to arrive.  First order of business, brush your teeth, your tongue, your soft pallet, gums, and if you can, the back of your throat.

Problem most people face on a road trip is they rarely pack their toothbrush on top, in an easy to access location.  Fortunately, I am always pretty aware of the location of my dentition scrubber. So the moment I can stop somewhere and get the road off my teeth, I'm all over that action. Today is Fresh Breath Day... also celebrated as Halitosis Day.  Not sure, but that seems a little like saying it is Black Day... or White Day.

Halitosis does not seem something that should be celebrated, but rather stamped out - or brushed out - as the case may be.  Why would you want to celebrate the buzzard breath of the guy next to you in class, or that woman on the elevator yesterday who's breath was so bad is was 'supercalifrajalisticexpehalitosis'.  Legendary. This is not something you would write on a cake unless it was mint. You could send chlorophyl cookies with a card I suppose.  How about a magazine subscription to Oral Hygiene Review? An anonymous Costco sized box of breath mints would work for a co-worker or the mailman. My favourite soap would make an ok breath mint for someone with a both a large and aromatic mouth.

There are so many ways to celebrate today.  How about a garlic and onion pizza?  Personally, I went with pepperoni, cheese, peppers and olives.  Maybe I should have thought to finish this post before the day was almost over. I could have been more selective in my toppings and gone for something with some kick... and some kick back.

August is Foot Health Month.  I suppose it's as good a month as any for a pedicure.  I would think that when you go to put your foot in it, a healthy foot would be best.  On the other hand, perhaps foot in mouth disease is a root cause of Halitosis.

Plumbers and Panties.

Thursday, 05 August, 2010 - Eight hours of sleep each night.  Eight hours at work each day. One hour or more of commuting. That means that each day you have roughly 5 hours to live your life.  But that 5 hours also includes time you need to prepare breakfast, shower, dry your hair, pick out the days duds, make dinner, eat dinner, wash up, and get ready for bed. So what kind of life can you have in the remaining time?  Thank god for weekends.  But so many people take work home with them on the weekends as well.

Working like a dog seems to be the way of the world these days.  Computers were supposed to make our lives easier, and give us the ability to work more productively. Work is much easier. It is now so much more easy to work on the weekends and at night... we need only log in. We can work on our own computers and email the files to ourselves, and answer email even while on vacation.  Work is not something we leave anymore.  That eight hours becomes closer to twelve.  That means we really only have one hour to ourselves.

Today is Work Like a Dog Day...  surprise surprise surprise. And on a Thursday no less.  I'm sure more work gets done on a Thursday than any other day of the week.  Monday is too hard to face, and takes too long to get geared up.  Tuesday seems to bring on a lot of meetings - which are never conducive to productivity, and Wednesday is a good day for a long lunch and getting meeting notes done.  Thursday is the day the real work happens.  Commuter traffic is always a little busier on Thursdays, and the rush hours last longer.  Maybe in celebration of Work Like a Dog Day, you should take an extra long lunch, and not bring any work home with you.  In fact, it is a perfect day to work like we did 30 years ago.  Go to work, punch in, do your thing, punch out, go home, find your slippers and a happy hour cocktail, read the paper and get a good night's rest.

Now if you are a plumber or electrician, I recommend working hard, but please please please wear your schnicks. You earn tradesman wages.  You must have enough in the budget for a pair of gruds or two that fit.  Even if your trousers fall down to the middle of your ass, you could keep that cleave covered.  Celebrate Underwear Day by wearing some.  For the ladies, I think today's underwear should be sexier than you might normally wear to the office.  Go with something small and lacy... sexy skivvies can give you an edge if you do get called in to a meeting. Our smallclothes, our unmentionables can set the tone for your day.  Nothing like a good pair of WonderWoman UnderRoos to give you an boost for the day. Tightie whities probably don't have much impact at all.  A pair of leopard print silk boxers could have you walking with a wiggle.

Whatever your undergarmet choice is today, may it give you a wiggle, a giggle, and a little secret (not a dirty secret please... wash your drawers).

On a boat with no name...

Wednesday, 04 August 2010 - Summer time is a good time to hit the water. Whether you are on a 40 ft cruiser, a canoe, a kayak, or sporting a pair of water wings... summer is all about the water.  If you work on the water, the summer is so much easier than working in winter. Gales, high seas and bitter cold are just part of the job... the part of the job that makes you appreciate summer.  But not all jobs on the seas are the same.

Cruise ships don't see a whole lot of winter.  Every day is summer, and when summer fades, you just rev up the engines and sail towards another summer. I can't imagine to many of us North Americans flocking to the cruise ship that takes on the North Pacific in December.  Working on a cruise ship isn't that glamorous a job. Sure you are always in the geographic location of summer, but you work 16 hour days, often split shifts, and may not see the outside decks for days.  The crew sleeping quarters are in the bottom of the boat, unless you are the Captain or one of the high ranking officers.  In that case, your quarters are just outside the door to the bridge.  Talk about a short commute.  The folks that work in the laundry on board those ships really get a bum deal... and I bet they earn less than the servers.  In the bowels of a boat, steaming hot, with hundreds and hundreds of sets of sheets that have everything on them from wine and burger juice to DNA... and your job is to spend 8 days a week in that bowel.  Not very enchanting at all.  What about the servers?  They serve three meals a day, get an hour off here and there, and are forced to wear monkey suits, sing and dance at least one night a week and smile when what they really want to say is "Are you sure you need another dessert lady?  Have you seen the size of your 'cruiser' ass?"


The fishermen of "The Deadliest Catch" have it even harder.  They face waters that you would not believe are survivable, and they do so for weeks and months at a time to haul in the Alaskan King Crab that the servers put in front of the wide loads in the dining room on the cruise ship. But what about the personnel, retirees, reservists and volunteers of the Coast Guard? What are their jobs like? If people volunteer to do the job, it can't be all bad.

The Coastguard has been continuously operating since 1790. In peace time, the Coastguard not only patrols the waters, but takes on all kinds of missions...  environmental cleanup, search and rescue, maritime law enforcement,  maintaining navigation aids and homeland security.  Today has been Coastguard Day... and to celebrate one should at the very least, appreciate the Coast, and the safety and freedom we take for granted.  If you don't have a seashore to visit, or a lake to swim in, then do your body some good and at least drink a little water today.  Eight glasses a day.  It's enjoying the water in the summer.

Hey... I went to School with that guy

Tuesday, 3 August 2010 - August has arrived.  This puts us on the back side of the year and marching quickly to the end of the year, and no worry, Christmas will be upon us soon.  But in the mean time, we can now enjoy the peak of Summer... the heat of August.  On the west coast (normally the wet coast), we have had one of the driest July's in over 30 years, and what is normally very green is a fine shade of Chesapeake - ah, I mean, Dead Grass.

Everything is brown.  If you want a green lawn, you are going to need to get that sprinkler out, and set the water to start in the middle of the night so you don't get fined for watering against the restrictions.  I guess that as it warms up, people get thirsty and make so many ice cubes that there isn't any water left for the front lawn.  August is Water Quality Month... and it's a good thing too.  Imagine poor quality ice cubes?  How could you be sure your Scotch is safe?

August is also Picnic Month. Though I'm sure I've been on a picnic where there was an opportunity to form other memories, what I remember the most is ants, a bee sting, looking for a bathroom, a stranger's dog that did not listen, and fear of food poisoning. On television, picnics always look like so much more fun than this.  My next picnic will incorporate smuggled in wine, cheese and crackers on a bench in the underwater viewing area at the aquarium.  I will watch the fishies and the whales and when the picnic is over... head out for sushi.

Aquariums are very high on my favourite places to visit list. I have been to the aquarium at every city I've visited if there is an aquarium to visit. In Seattle I brought with me a service dog who too has a thing for water and water life.  When we got out to meet the seals, my dog and the seals had one heck of a conversation. I'm thankful that the aquarium was near empty of other patrons as it was near closing time. In London, there is a glass floor you can walk across... that is across the very large shark tank. If you look down, it looks as though you could very well be swimming with the fishies with the very large and numerous teeth.  As cool as this is... my heart was pounding pretty hard.

Atlanta has a spectacular aquarium.  The sharks are huge, and their teeth, well, are plenty big enough.  Vancouver's aquarium is special to me.  I hadn't been near the aquarium in several years.  I returned this summer to discover a real treasure.  The whales and the dolphins are amazing to watch.  The underwater viewing areas are beautiful, and there is so much to see and do, that you really do need a full day and a picnic lunch. This is a picnic to which I look forward. I shall pack watermelon. After all, today is Watermelon Day an it seems appropriate.  Do you think it would be in bad taste (and by bad taste I mean delicious) to pack sushi?