Trash Talk and Magazines

Friday, November 7, 2008 - Ever notice that the trashiest rag mags are always at the checkout stands? No matter how much you try to deny it, you just can’t stop yourself from reading the covers. You may even pick it up and flip through the pages until it is your turn to pay. Then you quickly put it down, with a look of disgust and disbelief on your face – on the off chance the next person in line caught you with the ‘publication’ in your hand. It’s almost worse than your secret need to watch TMZ. I have to admit it. I watch TMZ. I go out of my way to watch TMZ. I would NEVER however admit to such de regeur. But seriously? The blonde fella with the long hair and that to die for smile? I’m not much in to the surfer look, but strap me to a board and call me Gidget.

From the monotone newsprint magazines of the past, to Emags and online forums – People to Mad Magazine, from Time to the National Enquirer, magazines have come a long way baby. News magazines seem to be falling off those checkout counter racks and being replaced by “In Touch”, “Globe”, “Hello”, “OK”, “Celebrity Hairstyles” and “Soap Opera Digest”. It is as though the news that is fit to print has gone the way of the Dodo…. turning us all IN to Dodos. If you want to access the magazines that contain actual news, thought provoking articles, and commentaries on the state of the planet, you need to turn to your computer on. Newspapers are another apparent dinosaur set.
Newspapers once held a place of importance nearer the checkouts. Today, if you want a paper, they are in racks past the checkouts. You don’t see them until you’ve paid the bill and are unlikely to get back in the line-up and have to stand there through another price check for feminine hygiene products that you know is only being done because buddy in front of you is embarrassed to be picking up for the girlfriend in the first place.

There are still a handful of fabulous magazines that have stood the test of stupidity. Scientific American, though they increased the number of ad pages, is still a thoroughly fascinating read. Men’s Health and Women’s Health have lots of great information and Mental_Floss and Vanity Fair offer up hours of entertainment. Reading a magazine online is alright. The content is there. But that tactile experience of flipping pages with a magazine on your knees while you lean back in to the sofa is missing. Sure I lean back with my computer on my knees, but my knees get too warm, and when I fall asleep, the computer makes a heck of a ruckus when it hits the floor. Today is Magazine Day. Now that the rains have come, I think I’ll stop on the way home and pick up a couple magazines for the weekend. I see slippers, and mugs of steaming hot coffee, and falling asleep on the sofa with the pages of a magazine stuck to my cheek in my future.

There are other reasons to celebrate, and tonight is the night the ladies don the pants and do the asking. It’s Sadie Hawkins Day. You know, 40 years ago, this day probably had some meaning. In today’s dating world, the women seem to do as much inviting as the men anyway. In honour of Sadie, I've asked a not so blond fella to a movie. Oh heck, forget Sadie Hawkins. Grab a magazine and a remote and invite yourself out for a night of page turning.

Get Lost

Thursday, November 6, 2008 - Winter is around the corner. Temperatures are beginning to drop and the rains are falling. There will be snow, and mittens and scarves. Will there be bikinis and rum punch in the future? Toss me on an island somewhere warm and throw away the compass. I'll either find my way home, or not. If not, I'll gather up a few sheets of plywood and a fridge and open up my own roadside bar. Jimmy Buffet... here I come. Of course I won't set up beside Margaritaville - my plywood bar won't have poolslide. Hey, maybe being marooned isn't such a bad plan. It is Marooned Without a Compass Day.

In a perfect marooning, I would take with me my favourite meal (Mom's lasagna, a Caesar salad and garlic toast). For reading, I would bring a subscription of Scientific American and a copy of A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson. For guests, I would like to bring Payton Manning and Denzel Washington (for obvious and not so obvious reasons). I couldn't survive without coffee. Kona, Blue Mountain, Kenyan, Columbian... matters not. I am a slave to coffee.

Of course today is also Festival of Total Submission. Maybe I can make that part of my marooning. After all, I'm there with a QB and Denzel. Wonder if I can license Denzel and Payton as spokespeople for my Plywood Bar? Hell, if you got to get lost without a compass, my bar is a great place to end up.

Pint anyone?

Wonder what Homer is cooking?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008 - Well. Last night was quite the election finale. I don't know what it means for Americans, for Canadians or for the world, but I'm sure it is a step in the right direction. After all, the hole that W has dug couldn't be any deeper. There isn't a shovel with a handle long enough to keep digging - though I'm sure with American ingenuity, he could have come up with something. Instead, the USA has voted for a man who seems to be a polar opposite to W. Obama is taller. Obama is younger. Obama uses all the consonants when he speaks. Obama can sink a basketball. Obama will use his Harvard education help choose the right next moves. Obama will be able to understand the briefings documents and may not need the pictures. These are the things I think are important to Obama's election.

I turned CNN on this morning to see what the "best political team on television" had to say about this long fought battle. There isn't an analysis that goes by that they don't talk about him being the first African American President. I am not convinced this is what elected him. I believe it was Obama's ability to bring people together. Go figure. A black man bringing people together in the USA. I'll take it. And the world will take it as well. Today is World Community Day and there is no better day to celebrate.

Leading up to the election I had fear that the American voter who outwardly supported Obama's campaign would get to the voting booth, and find they were just unable, secretly, to get over the colour of the package. Thankfully I was wrong. If nothing more is made out of the colour of the President Elect, I'll be ok with that.

Now for the future First Lady, Michelle says she will not take on a policy portfolio, but rather be there for the family. Well, fresh from the highs of the win, and the crash of the adrenalin, today is Michelle's day. Yesterday was for Barack, today... is Men Make Dinner Day. Barack - you can't order a deep dish, and you can't order in. Today - you get to make dinner for your girls. You may not get another chance to don an apron until 2012 (2016 if you're lucky).

Now for Marge, Homer making dinner tonight could be trouble. Ooh... it's National Doughnut Day. Sorry Marge, better luck next year.

Voting on a Barbarian

Tuesday, November 4, 2008 - I could talk about the obvious. I could go on and on about the greater global picture of what is happening in the polling stations across the USA. This whole page could be about the fear of the future that will undoubtedly come from todays results. Florida could be paid for once again. We could pass up one who is bound to be the better bet for not just the USA, but also for Canada and the world. But, I am fearful that the better man will not win. I see "Joe the Plumber" and every other American who wants to do the right thing, walk in the polling booth with the intention of voting for Mr. Obama, and at the last minute, sway because they just can't see giving a vote to a man with more melanin in his skin. After all, that melanin surely changes the way he would lead a nation. But I just can't think of any good reason to go on and on about the Presidential elections. We've had a two year campaign from which the media will be suffering serious withdrawal in a few days, and there isn't much more I could possibly add to the rhetoric.

So instead, I'm going to talk about today's other celebrations. Today is Use Your Common Sense Day. I'm not making this stuff up. I promise. But common sense may be the one thing that won't get used today. Instead, today may be used to exercise ones 'gut instinct', rash decision making or lack of common sense.

Common Sense. A radical idea. Dictionary.com defines common sense as "sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge, training, or the like; normal native intelligence". This presumes that even those without specialized knowledge are able to make sound decisions. Four years ago, I had high hopes that common sense would prevail, leaving common non-sense to the cast of SNL. No such luck. Common sense is what keeps us from hurting ourselves and others. It is what stops us from judging people based on the things that have no relevance on ones sense of self, beliefs, or ability to do the right thing. Seems circular no doubt, but common sense is the ability to judge people on their common sense. Wonder what the judges will have to say at the end of this day. Just keep your fingers crossed that Common Sense prevails - even if it is JUST for today.

There is another good reason to not talk about the obvious. Today is also Waiting for Barbarians Day. I'm sure this can be tied in to said obvious, but really? Do I need to connect those dots? With any luck, we won't celebrate this one at all. Of course, it's really a crap shoot. Roll those dice baby, but after you exit the poll. Try and celebrate Common Sense Day while you're in there. The world begs you.

Working in the kitchen... for a change.

Monday, November 3, 2008 - You know that saying... "If you can't handle the kitchen, get a real job"? There are so many reasons to get out of the kitchen that have nothing to do with a real job. How about cause I bloody well can't cook? Or I'm tired of Char... and I'm not talking fish.

There are many things I am good at that do get me out of the kitchen. I can swing a mean golf club. I can call the plays before the QB, I can drive a mean train. I tell a good joke, and I can pick out a great wine. I just don't know how good I am at the domestic thing. A friend often tells me the most domestic thing about me is that I live in a house.

All that being said, I think I would make a fabulous husband. Now if only I could find a man that would be a great wife. Seriously? I'm a work-a-holic. I would love to come home to dinner and a glass of wine. However, I still like pampering, and bubble baths and trinkets and the rest of the girlie stuff. So where do I go to find a man's man that can cook, and do laundry, and vacuum and bring me a beverage after a long hard day on the trains? Today might not be the day to go looking. Today is Housewife's Day. So today isn't my day for so many reasons. Oh well. I guess that's why I don't have short wee feet. I have to stand just that much farther from the stove.

I am my own cliche - but that works out for me too. Today is Cliche Day. See, today is all about me!!!

Zero-Tasking

Sunday, November 2, 2008 - Ah Sunday. A day when North Americans foster that warm and fuzzy relationship they have with the sofa and Fox Sports. Football. There just isn't enough days in the week full of football. Today, I watch the Jets and Bills, the Packers and the Titans, the Colts and the Giants, and although I may actually be multi-tasking... after all, I have to flip back and forth between games, I am ultimately only doing one thing... nothing. After all, an afternoon of football is like re-charging. It may look as though there are many things on the go... the remote, the beverage, the cheering, the tears... but deep down, it is actually doing nothing. It's Sunday. It is what Sunday is all about. Of course the Republicans may believe differently - they may be the ones multi-tasking (sitting in a pew AND checking the scores on their iPhones). But for the rest of us... we are zero-tasking.

Assuming the position was the most work we've managed. And in our nothingness, we are celebrating the spirit of the day. Today is Zero-Tasking Day. A day to do nothing. Indeed, the only thing that could ensure this day is celebrated exactly as it is meant would be someone to fetch the beer. "Rex? Are you with me buddy?."

I wonder if when Morris hit the Net he had any idea how badly he was going to be messing with Zero-Tasking Day? Today is the 20th Anniversary of the day the Morris Worm hit the Net. Morris was the first virus that really opened up the eyes of not just the engineers, but the average Internet user, that the on-line world wasn't a friendlier world. It was just another parallel to what we already knew. There are idiots on every plane. On the upside, Morris did create an entirely new area of study and commercialism. There are firewalls, spyware detectors and virus protection packages on every shelf and they sell. And as for Morris? Sure he got convicted of computer fraud... and then took a cushy job as professor of comp sci at MIT. Morris was certainly multi-tasking - with one non-tequila soaked worm he showed the world the Internet wasn't a nice place, probably had a few laughs, employed a few lawyers, stirred a new brand of legal specialty, spawned a new industry, and lined up a great gig.

I just don't think I can be as ambitious as Mr. Morris today. If anyone is looking for me, I'm bonding with my sofa.